Huh.....

Dr. Lova

I've been reading a lot of relationship self-help books lately. NOT because my relationship is in need of help. PLEASE! I'm in love! I'm so in love sometimes I could barf. I started reading these books because they have some pretty basic guidelines on the "give and takes" of good relationships. Most of these books usually discuss good communication skills and recommend some ways to get to know your partner better. A couple of them are recommended to engaged couples before the take the plunge. My question is, why wait?! If you're looking in to how to have good communication skills, or how to get to know each other better during your engagement, aren't you running a tad behind?! I want to know what my boyfriend thinks the color of our bedroom walls should look like 10 years from now! Just kidding... I wouldn't mind feeling fairly confidet that I have the skills it takes to have a healthy relationship PRIOR to engagement though.

Now have no fear. I do not believe EVERY word on EVERY page of these books. I am fully aware of the fact that one book cannot relate to every person and every relationship. To me these books are more of a "food for thought" type of resource. I promise I'm not looking for a "How To" book on relationships. That being said, many of you know that my past relationships were so WACK, embarrassingly so, that I am definitely leaning toward preventative maintenance at this time. I'd rather ask the questions now. Now! Before I quit my job, move away, get engaged, married & have babies.

I have no intentions of spending the rest of my life, or even several years, with someone that I'm not meant to be with. I believe that all too often people are in relationships with people they do love, and feel highly loyal towards, but they don't necessarily have what it takes to stay together forever. Or worse - they think they're in love with someone and they're really not. Hasen't this happened to everyone at least once? Instead of recognizing that they really aren't going to be happy together, some couples strap themselves into this speeding train, bound for a life of hell, when they could have saved themselves a lot of time and anguish by considering a few fairly basic questions from the beginning.

Sound harsh? Probably so. It's not really intended to be, but you can't "fluff- up" issues that could quite possibly determine THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. Lets face it people -- the person you're in love with today just might not resemble the person you married 10 years from now. Your loved one might gain 300 lbs, convert to Buddhism, want to move you to Tim-Buck-Two or take up smoking crack and you are bound by sacred wedding vows to love them anyway.

I think some of the ideas and questions shared in most of these books bring you past the fantasy and fairytale of the "foo-foo" wedding, big rings, and picture perfect life you might have been painting since you were a little girl. They ask you to step in to a scary realm of reality. What does life look like on the other side of your wedding day?

Here's a brief overview of the books I've been reading or paging through:.

His Needs, Her Needs - This book was a tad old fashioned in some of its chapters. It was written in the 80s. The idea that a man goes out to work each morning, brings home enough money to support himself, a wife, and a few kids, is just not realistic in many cases today. Just because you add "husband" to your list of lifes titles doesn't mean that you also walk away from your wedding with an extra wad of cash to take care of an entire family. His Needs Her Needs did have some good insights on hidden needs your partner might have that you probably over looked. It also has some fun questions at the end of each chapter. BRAIN FOOD!.

The Five Languages of Love - This is one of those books that is recommended to engaged couples during premarital counseling. In fact I got it from my sister, who got it from the Reverend, who performed her wedding ceremony. I haven't read much of it but I've check out the overview and have heard about it's teachings before. It talks about the idea that each person has a "love language" (there are five of them). It teaches about how you should recognize each others "love languages" and then try to meet those needs for each other. It's a cool concept. I like this one.

The Hard Questions - This one is my favorite! I got it a few nights at Barnes and Noble after a recommendation from an engaged couple. The introduction rocks and sucked me in right away. There are 100 questions to discuss with your loved one before you tie the knot, or get engaged. It gets down to the raw nitty-gritty & forces you to get honest about what you're looking for in a life partner (boyfriend, fiance, lover, whatever).

Devotions for Dating Couples - This book I got at the Christian bookstore. It's a workbook style discussion book designed to figure out where God fits in your life. Personally, but also as a couple. I wasn't really "down" with getting this book, to be honest. I really, really find the topic of God and religion uncomfortable. ESPECIALLY when discussing it with someone I know might have a different view. Probably because I don't feel as "schooled" in it as I should. However, religion could be a huge part of your loved ones life and therefore it's important to understand every aspect of where God fits in with your relationship. For the people that know me you're probably shocked that I'm even reading it, but we are talking about FOREVER here. If nothing else this book has taught me just because a topic might force you to come out of your "comfort zone" doesn't mean it shouldn't be discussed with your significant other. I'm not so sure that personal "comfort zones" have too much room in life-long commitments. So bring it on! I want to talk about it! I now welcome the chance to hear what my man's thoughts are on God, discuss or question his beliefs, and try to figure out how/if we can live with our differences..

Until Death Do Us Part (couldn't find link)- I just got this book from a family friend. I wanted a book that talks about the Catholic views on dating. Not really VIEWS on dating but more of a "how to be a Catholic and date" book. I just got it yesterday as a gift so I haven't gotten too far. It's funny. Catholics aren't the most up to date in marketing. The people on the front of this book were surely dancing to Wham at their wedding reception. And the fact that it's written by priests might be why it's more of a biblical stand point on what the Catholic Church teaches about the sacrament of marriage and not so much on the "give and take" of relationships. Their version of communication skills is "pray!". It's written by priests, who have never married, so their input on any other type of communication is little to none. Being a Catholic I wanted to know all the stuff I wasn't sure on like: Can Catholics marry non Catholics without burning in hell? The answer is yes by the way. So I like this book too but it's more of a biblical resource. You can hunt and peck to find the stuff you need.

My goal is that if/when I'm standing up at the alter, in a white dress getting married, I am without a doubt positive that guy I'm standing next to is the one that I want to be with for THE REST OF MY LIFE! Even if he does turn in to a 300 lb. Buddhist crack- head in ten years! Just call me Dr. Lova.

posted by Jessiedc28 @ 10:31 AM