Fastest Blog Ever
This is going to be the fastest blog ever!
1. I saw
Lizzy's AOC this weekend at a thingy here in CD
2.
She's coming to visit me this weekend
3.
Sarafem is working wonders so far
4. I start yoga tonight and I'm excited
5. I ate meat loaf for dinner & lunch so I hope I don't fart during the class
6. I am doing an annual inventory project at work that is taking my will to live
Gotta go to Yoga bye........
Friday!
It's finally Friday!!
Ok so I'm medicated and ready to battle any PMS, or in my case PMDD, that comes my way! Hopefully I won't have to blog about zits or moodiness anymore. After discussing my symptoms with my doctor she sent me out the door with stuff I should start taking like NOW. I think her response to the description of my my moods was something like, "Ooooh-keeeey-dooookeyyyyy - We'll be starting you on Sarafim and you should start that....NOW. Nurse!! Can we get some water for the psycho patient please!" Then she smiled in her best, "Please don't hurt me!" way. (She really didn't say the part about me being a Psycho patient but the rest is true..) So off I go in to a joyous, smile filled, life...right?
Blog Explosion
Cory said that I've been blogging up a storm lately. True. I have. I couldn't figure out why (although it might have something to do with the fact that my social life has seriously taken a turn for the worse and I've sworn off men) but then it hit me - it's my hobby now. Before it was just an outlet for me when I thought about being cute or funny. Now it's like - my
thing. Now I actually rely on it for venting. I've got 4 blogs, all for different venting purposes (sorry guys the other 3 are secret), and I need them for a release.
I've had a certain picture explosion lately. That is because I can't access Hello from my work computer so if I want to add a picture I have to do it in the evening. Last night I spent 2 hours in front of my computer just trying to figure out the multiple blog + Hello deal. Ugh! I finally figured it out and added all those pics, except the dog one.
Today I had a dermatologist appointment. No more zits for me, and thank God for you, no more blogging about zits. I have "adult acne" and I am officially medicated for it. Thankfully I am being treated with a
topical medication instead of taking this series of antibiotics, and whatnot. This will be a little less of an embarrassing cure. The last doctor told me that I had to take this medication that basically made me break out like a 15 year old working at Taco Bell, for 8 weeks, and then I'd get better. NO THANKS! I'd shoot myself. I may be mildly vain - fine - but zits are painful and gross. I have to be able to wake up and look at myself for Christ sake!
Tomorrow I'm back to the doctor - but a different kind of doctor. This is the one where I go in and pour my heart out about how I'm a roaring bitch for 14 days out of the month. I am going to beg for mercy and mood enhancers. "Happy Pills" we call them in my family. It's not just for my sake but for you, my family, and the boyfriend I might some day have. I'm tired of being a predator. I'm scared to go in to the details of why I think I need these pills. I am afraid they won't believe me. They'll think I'm making it up. Maybe I should have waited until I was in full blown ragedom?
My Hacker
I think Min Pin's are cute and all but I didn't post that picture below. My sister hacked in to my Hello account and put these pups up. I was going to take them down but then I realized they kinda are cute so you might as well take a peek while your here. If you REALLY like these dogs you can go to
her site where she'll babble on
all about the dogs and her rescue mission!
Here is a Miniature Pinscher with a regular sized Doberman Pinscher. Funny!
This is a picture of all the people, under 30, that I know with my last name. From left to right: Me, Ciara (cousin), Rob, Nikita (cousin) and my sister Kaycee. Aren't we cute!
EYE SEE YOU
Hopefully this eye will distract people so they don't read my annoying Valley Girl Snowboarding Blog..sorry about that...
Snow Boarding Valley Girl
Oh my Gawd – I like
totally tried snow boarding this weekend, and it was like
totally rad. I like strapped my boots in to this like really right-on snow board that my totally cute cousin had, cool, and started going down this
gnarly hill, right, that was about as long as a drive way and not steep at all, right. The first time I did it,
oh my gawd, I started out going with the wrong foot going downward, right, and fell like a
total loose-ah and like realized, right, that like I probably needed to go down with the other foot forward, right, like, the other way, so I totally did, and OH MY
Gawd, it was totally radical!! I made it all the way down twice with out even falling. Like. Cool.
This post is dedicated to Starbucks coffee.
This are Grandma's glasses that I took home with me. Like em?
The Bitter Sweet Weekend
This weekend was the funeral for my G
randma. We flew to Battle Creek, Michigan (home of Kellogg Cereal) for the event. It was bitter sweet. I got to see all my "favorite" aunts, uncles, and cousins, which was the sweet part, and then all being there to mourn/celebrate my Grandma was the bitter part. It wasn't bitter...like bad bitter....it was more of a sobbing ceremony of fond memories and beautiful praises of her life. I didn't anticipate crying as much as I did, but it was a healthy cry, and with 12 fresh inches of fluffy snow on Saturday morning Grandma reminded us of where we all came from.
Throughout the weekend we had toasts in her honor, told wonderful stories, threw snow balls at each other, wore her costume jewelry with pride, and enjoyed each others company immensely. I am sure that Grandma looked down on us all and smiled at the fun we had in her honor. Strange to say -- but the funeral weekend was a hit, I guess.
I was surrounded by my insane family, who now
all have my blog address, thanks to the big mouths of a few of my FAVORITE aunts and uncles!!! (Hello - Everett/Vesely's.) There will be no more talks of sex, drugs and rock and roll on this site, people
. JUST JOKING! Who better to know the "real me" then the ones that created this monster?
Tonight or tomorrow I will post a few pics of the weekend. (The smiley parts that is.)
So how's the weather? Just SMASHING here. It took me an hour and twenty minutes to get home and now my question is....will I be able to get out of my parking lot later??
This morning when I woke up it was damn cold. I don’t know what the actual degree was at that point, because shortly thereafter the radio DJ explained that with the wind chill it would feel like one. One. ONE DEGREE. ONE DEGREE = DAMN COLD.
Currently it’s 21 degrees with a wind chill of 15. I don’t know what that makes it actually
feel like but based on my last trip outside that means is still DAMN COLD. I’m afraid to walk to the store to get some soup. I might freeze in mid stride.
Furthermore, you know it's cold when your sister calls to tell you that she fell asleep on her bus ride to work this morning and when she woke up her hat was frozen to the bus window. She couldn't move her head. Winter hat frozen to bus window = DAMN COLD.
So Cold
It was 22 degrees and windy when I left the house today at 11am. At 1 o'clock it was so cold that when I walked to Starbucks to get my coffee my chin went numb which made it difficult to talk. On my walk back I was trying to get my frozen chin tucked under my scarf, without taking my cold hands out of my coat pockets, and in the process I both looked like a dumb ass and it didn't really work.
Last night it snowed a little bit. Snow expected here on Wednesday but not enough to stick. I hope we're clear to fly out to Michigan for the funeral on Thursday, as planned. It would be nice if there was a snow storm up there though. I wouldn't mind a snowed in family reunion, nor would I mind throwing a nice juicy snow ball in my little brothers face, but that's just me.
My Grandmother
In the wee hours of the night my Grandmother passed away. She was an amazing woman, mother, grandmother, caretaker, and "troop leader" who held on to life with great strength, poise, and determination. I am grateful to her for being a wonderful grandparent and for giving me the most amazing father on the planet. She has passed, but not without leaving 8 children, 12 grandchildren, and 3 great grandchildren here to carry on in her amazing way!
My Dad Doesn't Lie
My Dad doesn’t lie. It’s a well-known family fact that the man just does not lie. He couldn’t even lie when my Mom (the parental liar) took my brothers license away, claiming it was The Law that took it. My brother thought the scenario was kind of fishy so he went and asked Dad, the nonliar, and sure enough the secret was exposed that indeed it was not The Law that took my brothers license – it was the parental liar that took it.
But that’s not my story…
Sometimes my sister she just doesn’t know when to keep her mouth shut. I love her, I do, but man…. We’re having dinner with my Dad last night and my sister busts in the kitchen after smoking a cigarette and excitedly says,
“Hey Dad! Did I tell you?”
This is where uneasiness sets in for me…
“Chris (her husband) wrote a note to the school and told them that the kids have to miss 5 days of school this spring because we’re taking them on an educational cruise! I mean, we’re going on the cruise and everything, but we’re not going to see
HALF the things that Chris said we were in that letter! We just had to write it so that they could get out of school.” She smiles and waits for a response….
I sit on my hands, so I don’t hit her, and make this face that so clearly says, “Have you lost your freakin mind, child!” She then looks at me confused. Making the “What? WhatIdo? I don’t get it.” face.
Father’s Response: “Oh………”
siiiilllleeeennncccceee continues
So in an effort to save her ass I said, “But you are going to see some stuff, right? And the kids…they’re going to write up a report on what they saw…right….to bring back to the school…right….to share with the class…RIGHT?”
I think she finally got it but she really messed up. First she admitted that they lied and then she involved THE SCHOOL. My Dad -- doesn't lie -- and never missed a day of school. He got some award for his attendance. He's a nonlying attendance freak and she knows this.
Kaycee, I love you, but lets keep the fun lack of integrity stories to a minimum at family dinners, K? *wink*
Balls Balls Balls
My baby is having his balls cut off on Monday. If we don't have the procedure done he'll go to jail. The police are involved now and it's all getting costly, and very stressful. We're going to snip the nads, get a house with a back yard, and see if we can get him to forget about the chicks. If I have to live with out being able to smooch his brown wrinkly cheeks, I'll die. *sniffle* I'm taking the little shit to the vet on Monday at 7:30am....I hope he can lay off the puddin' after that.
You've seen Jaws, right?
I think I've decided to go "medicated".
PMS has officially taken a hold of my entire life. Ok - I'm not really
that bad, but I've been keeping a not-so-diary-diary of my "moods", and have determined that it's time. It's time to discuss
PMDD with the doc. (You can take the quiz on the site, if you dare.) I have always blamed my moodiness on birth control and bad relationships, but I currently have neither, and I'm still a predator.
**I guess when my exboyfriend used to say "Jess, WHY are you SUCH A BITCH three weeks out of the month!?" he
mighta hada point. I always just rolled my eyes and thought it was him! Ha! Maybe not?
So come January 28th I'm going to talk to the doctor to see if they can infuse me with something to help level out my "moods". This way I won't have to spend 2 weeks being mean to people and then 2 weeks feeling bad about having been mean to them. Yee-haw!
Oh AND I got a dermatologist appointment for the PMSy
skin thing. I dare not say ( or type?) it too loud or one of them buggers might pop up, on my finally clear skin. This time next month I might be ....nice AND have clear skin. What a concept, eh?
The list I Envisaged
I was making double sided copies (
I hate double sided copies) of a manual that talks about Myocardial Infarction. In
farction. Makes you feel weird, doesn’t it? Specifically it's the '
farc' part of the word that bugs me. It sounds too much like fart or fuck…or something. Then that train of thought just led me to more words in the English language that make me feel weird. (Double sided copies might suck but then how else would you have time for this type of deep thought?) I’ve listed them below.
- Myocardial Infarction Farrrrc (roll your tongue and say it...it's worse that way)
- Angina Sounds to much like the Vaj word. The definition freaks me out too.
- Accord I hate the use of this word: "Do we have an accord? No. Leave me alone - I drive a Sonata."
- Envisaged This is just not the life I envisaged, damn it!
- Maturation My 8th grade science teacher used to say this word in class, and it would make me blush.
New hair cut ch'all...cut 4.5 inches off. I kinda like it..makes me feel light headed...hardy har har...ok fine and a had a few glasses of pinot noir too.......
I'm Off To Europe with my WOOOAAAAHHH
I waited an hour and a half at the post office over the holidays to get my passport renewed.
I know....I know...every military kid should have a valid passport because it's just stupidity to let it expire...but Father forgive me... it's been 17 years since my last passport. It cost me $100 and was well worth the wait. Come February 17th I'm heading to Germany.
I know I'm flying in to Frankfurt but then I'm just not sure. I'm in the hands of someone else. I'm staying with a friend of mine who's in the Army - stationed on some Army base that I don't know the name of right now. He's in charge of the plans once I get off that plane. (Dave was my boyfriend for part of my senior year. He was the quarterback on our football team and I thought life just couldn't get any better when I was wearing his letter jacket.
Oh..oh..oh.. how times have a changed!!)
The plan is to fly out on the 17th and come home, thoroughly jet lagged, on the night of the 22nd. He has President's day off and after that it's looking like he's heading to the Middle East. I am counting on doing some major traveling while I'm there. I'm gonna take as many pictures as my digi will commit to, drink as much German beer as my body will allow, and do
it all in the fine dust of a
very motivated Army Ranger. These Army guys...they all say "Who ah!" or "woo AAAAA" -- whatever that chant is. It's how they huff out their manliness. It makes them STRONG MANLY RANGERS WHO WILL SAVE LIVES, AND FIGHT FOR THEIR COUNTRY! WOOAAAAHHHH! I have none of this WHOO AAHHHH by the way, therefore, I am not fit to be a Ranger. I know this.
When he was here for Thanksgiving last year I was whining and moaning about having to walk the entire weekend in the freezing rain so that he could see as many DC Monuments as possible during his stay. His response was, "
Where's your WOOAH!?"-- "My what?" I said -- confused. "
YOUR WHOOOAHHHH!", Dave
urged, loudly. I responded with a roll of the eyes, and a nice fat, "
WHATEVER, DAVID!!" By the time he left I was exhausted, covered in bruises, and I had incredibly sore feet.
I'm terrified to find out what traveling Europe with him in 4 days will do to me. These men have incredible strength and life saving skills. Maybe he can just throw me over his shoulder and tell me when it's time to rest, but just in case, I'm packing as much damn
WHHOOOOAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH as I can muster between now and February 17th.
I CAN'T WAIT!
Doing Your Best Friend
I think I might be luckier then most. I have two (female) best friends. I'm not in love with either of them though. Not in the sexual sense anyway, however, there's this common misconception that female best friends do "it" with each other at some point in their friendship. Throughout my life I've been told that people assume my best friends and I (not at the same time) are romantically involved. I don't know why they say it. I mean, is it just me (us) or is that just silly? I'm not
doing my best friends!
...but maybe it's not so much of a misconception. Two women I know were having a conversation about the issue of girls who experiment with other girls. One friend said to the other that she had in fact experimented with her best friend when they were younger, and then asked, "
Well....haven't you and Jessica..???" She asked it as if
everyone does it. As if we were the only best friends on the planet that haven't been up close and personal with each others fee-fee's. NO we have not -- thank you very much. I have not done "it" with either of them. And we haven't had pillow fights in our undies either.
Now it's not like I don't know that indeed some girls experiment with other girls. I'm not even going to be so bold as to say that I haven't had a minor moment way back when....
I confess: In the 1st grade I was involved in a French kiss with another female first grader. We just simply could not believe that adults participated in that kind of activity and decided we'd just see what all the fuss was about...but what I am saying is that if I was going to do "it" with a girl it would NOT be with one of my best friends. How do you switch from talking about a boys penis size to grabbing each others boobs? How do you go from watching Beaches to making mad passionate chick love? And why would you complicate a beautiful, trusting, comforting, "do I look fat in these jeans?" friendship -- with doing "it"? HOW DO YOU DO IT WITHOUT LAUGHING YOUR ASS OFF?
More power to the chicks that do their best friends but I'm just not doing mine. And they don't want to do me either.
I just discovered
www.Craigslist.com. It’s the best thing on the planet. Does everyone else know about this website? You can sell stuff, search for sublet housing during the inauguration, look for yoga lessons, find a gym partner, and even request topless maids! I’m thinking of “swapping” out my condo for the summer, taking on a job overseas, selling my car, and buying a goat – and I can do it all through www.craigslist.com! It’s brilliant. Why did I not know about
this e-place earlier? I found it while searching for a part time job and I saw someone looking for a topless cleaning lady in the part time section. While I’m sure this part time career would make lots of money I’m not quite desperate enough to dive in to any sort of topless part time jobbing just yet, but how interesting? I sure hope that person gets his/her topless toilet scrubber. Do you have www.craigslist.com in your area?
"Bye Stinky! Bye"
Most mornings when I come to work I see this one female member of our janitorial staff wiping down the windows. She is a nice overweight Hispanic girl, about my age, who says "Good Morning" to me every darn time she sees me.
About two weeks ago I came to the office late in the evening to shut down my computer since I'd been out most of the day. I took the elevator to the second floor, where our suite is, and zipped in to the ladies room. (We have a "public restroom" that our company would normally share with the other office suites on this floor but we were the only business office on the 2nd floor at this time.) When you walk in to our bathroom you are facing the handicapped stall. And the crack in that stall (you know the one that is always between the door, and the door frame) is just wide enough that you can pretty much see the person sitting on the pot, and they can see you. Well I walked in and COULD SEE, and smell, that my nice janitorial lady was taking a MAJOR dump-a-roonie in that stall. MAJOR--believe me! I was embarrassed for her because I knew she could see me AND I knew she was in there because the 2nd floor is normally like a ghost town at 6pm. A pooping safe haven if you will.
My Plan: I held my breath and crept in to the farthest stall I could. Then I tried to pee as quickly as I could so that I could get out, wash my hands, and go to my office before she came out of her stall. I knew she was mortified that I'd caught her poopin-it-up the bathroom and that she was totally going to wait for me to leave before she came out.
Before I could finish peeing, her janitor friend pops her head in from the hallway and says, really loud and giggly, "Bye STINKY! I've got to go
hoooome now. Bye Stinky.....Stinky?" Stinky stayed perfectly still. I know Stinky was wishing she could either teleport out of there or she could somehow warn her friend. "Shut the hell up, dude. That chick from suite 200 is in here!" She didn't. She just froze. So I stood up quickly, boots clomping on the tiles, and as soon as Stinky's friend heard me she slammed the bathroom door closed and ran.
I just had to get out of there! I wiped, zipped, washed my hands, and went directly to my desk. I could feel Stinky's embarrassment radiating through the walls, and for days after that I didn't see her. Then one morning I left my office to get something from the grocery store and when I stepped off the elevator I saw her. She was smiling to her self and washing the windows. When she looked up and discovered me walking in her direction she froze, frowned, and looked down at her feet. BUSTED! "Good morning!" I said.....forcing my lips NOT to curl upward..... and just kept on walking. I hope my friendly greeting gave Stinky what she needs to put this incident past her. I miss her hellos but I bet she'll think twice before poopin-it-up in my bathroom again!
The Right Movie
Have you ever watched a movie that you know is "thumbs down" in the eyes of the critics but for some reason it just struck you so RIGHT ON? The right movie at the right time, I guess. (The opposite of how I felt watching
Closer last week. Wrong movie ~ wrong time.)
I went with a DVD tonight instead of the book. Tonight's feature chick-night film was
Camp. It's a movie about a group of talented freaks and geeks at a performance art camp. The characters were riddled with being fat, gay, and having bad acne. There were fag hags, straight men who seemed gay, tap dancing midgets and even drunks - all of whom had a great singing voices. They sang they're unwanted asses off about being accepted ..... and in my zit infested, emotionally torrid state of mind, this was just the movie for me. I even caught myself doing a little ditty, in the full length mirror, on my way to the kitchen to get some Haagen Dazs Fat Free Raspberry Sorbet.
I've done good work here tonight people.
I still can't believe I blogged about refolding..sorry "reorganizing" towels earlier.....but I'm doing good.
Home on the Range - Kill Kill Kill
The first night back in my own home went well. I reorganized the towels in my linen closet, reunited with my battery operated.........toothbrush (pervert), and read my book until I fell fast alseep in the arms of my
own kitty. I woke up today feeling well rested and ready to kill, kill, kill everyone in my path.
Yes, it's that time again folks. P.M.S. AGAIN. Is it like every week now? I'm getting more zits (I've about had it), more over reactions (sorry Kathryn), and more then anything I've had a great need to do the one thing that I actually
enjoy in my PMS. All day I've wanted to do nothing but come home to an quiet house, take off all my clothes, put on my comfy sweats, turn off the phone, face mask myself blue, blog, read a page or two of my book -- all while sipping on a glass of wine. CHICK NIGHT! I love this!! This is the one time I love to be alone. The one time. Wonder who I'll have violent thoughts about tomorrow....
Moving Out
I tried to wake up from Holly & Curt's bed again today.
(I couldn't bring myself to move out of Holly's, as I'd stated that I would the other day.)
As I was saying.... I tried to wake up from Holly & Curt's bed this morning but I had a hard time. Why? Not because it's the best darn bed in the whole darn world, but because
this was sitting on my cell phone alarm. Do you know what a cell phone alarm sounds like when being smushed by an 18 pound cat? NOT LOUD. Luckily I was half-awake, in that alarm clock anticipation state, so when Sidney's gut started to vibrate, sing lightly, and his white tummy hair was flashing laser-light red, I realized he was laying on my cell phone. Phew!
Holly and Curt come home tonight from their New Years trip. I have to give back the fat fuzzy and warm cat(s) and the bed. The Aveda shampoo and the digital cable. The warm couch and the laptop, placed sooo conveniently in front of the TV. The nice parking space and friendly neighborhood. The fire place and the cuticle cutter. The Gatorade and the Cool Ranch Doritos (and NO, they ARE NOT the same if consumed at my house!) The washer AND the dryer. The convenient commute to work. The speedy ass internet connection and the wine bottle cork thingy. The 4 pairs of stacked bed-pillows and feather comforter. And did I mention the fact that the house is in
walking distance to a Starbucks, Whole Foods, Crate and Barrel, Barnes and Noble, countless restaurants (including Baja Fresh), and an Anne Taylor Loft? Did I mention that? Did I mention that I DON'T WANT TO GO HOME. Did I mention that I can't WAIT until they leave again....
Bad Shoe Day
If you're one of those types whose ever wondered why sisters argue or fight over borrowed (stolen) clothes - ponder no more.....
This came from my sister's e-mail account this morning. It was titled "Letter From Bandit" (her dog).
Dear Auntie Jessica,
I regret to inform you that I am a very bad boy and I chewed your black
work shoe. My mom yelled at me and said that you wanted those back. I
really had no idea. I thought that it was very delicious and its WAS on
the floor! I am very sorry. I hope you will still let me lick your face,
as if you have a choice. My mom says that she will take you shopping for
a new work shoe. Again, I am very sorry that I ate your shoe.
Your favorite Furry Nephew,
Bandit "NO" Ostrander
Can we have a moment of silence for my black shoes please?............................
On top of that I just hot glue gunned my new black boots back together. The zipper was goofed and coming undone attempting to ruin my new dress pants. I feel badly about the boot but I feel
so radical about the fact that AGAIN I love my f-ing glue gun!!!
Went to see that movie
Closer today. It made me feel like I needed to take a shower. It was filled with manipulative, sexually complicated, scenarios. Don't know why but it turned my mood inside out. I kinda wanted to see
Spanglish afterwards to make it a double-header-day, and to wipe my brain clean of
Closer, but the timing wasn't right for a double headeer and my movie partner had a soar throat. I'm still thinking about checking out of hotel Holly (I'm House/cat sitting) and going to see it later.
I have moodiness from
Closer which is also compounded from cat-guilt. I'm house/cat sitting while no one is house/cat sitting my house & cat. I feel like a teenage mother who left her newborn with the neighbors so that she could go party, or in my case, left my feline child at home alone so that I could sleep in a bed that is so comfortable it makes me feel badly for sleeping. Maybe my mood is due to too
much sleeping???
Holly and Curt have this
Celebrity Bed by Tempur-Pedic. Ok this thing rocks. No. It sucks you in and won't let you go. It's A-MAY-ZING, seriously, I can't go near it again. I can't! Be forewarned. Don't sleep for 18 hours in this puppy, then go see a trashy movie. all while leaving your feline child at home alone for days. It's bad.....I'm going to lay down for a bit....
